hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
it's like heaven, but drunker
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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