Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
