i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
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