Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
