Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Randomize
