apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
