i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
what do you have against ST
DO NOT ABBREVIATE LIKE YOU AND STAR TREK ARE FRIENDS.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
