i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
