Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
