garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
