Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
