so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
