we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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