omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
