You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
