So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I just blew my weed a kiss
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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