My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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