I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
