A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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