So drunk its hurt
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
