my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
