did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
