you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Randomize
