i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
