Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
So gin and wine won't be happening again
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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