the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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