...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
