New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
