You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
