I want to make a zoo with you.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
