Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
