I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
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