I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
