i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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