And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
We smell like vodka and hangover
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