Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
