take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I am midnight drunk by noon
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Randomize
