we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Randomize
