The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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