im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
