I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
the raccoons are back...
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