I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
