so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
