He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
