Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
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