my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
