God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
