I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
