dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
