We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Randomize
