I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
