I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
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