I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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