went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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