sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Randomize
