my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
