So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
