Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
