dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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