I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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