Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
